An Intimidated Black Man Finds Some Heart
This is part three of Jamall Colloway's debut on Loveawake in which he penned an open love letter confessing doubts and insecurities brought about by a woman who intimidates him. In Part 2, he asked himself the question others have asked: "why won't I just 'man up'?". In Part 3, he pens an open letter that shows is evolution and that he has finally "found some heart."
Okay, this was phenomenal. It was phenomenal having coffee with you those few times and I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed our conversations. I can sense the cultivation of a real and genuine friendship between us, and it feels good to let go and just be myself around a person. I don’t have to pretend or hide; I don’t have to be anyone I’m not. In all honesty, this would have all happened sooner, but I needed to find the right words. Words that would articulate uncomfortable emotions that aren’t discussed much. The right words that would help me work out the issues that manifested themselves in feelings like intimidation, over-confidence, timidity and desire; and I appreciate you reading about my internal odyssey. It felt great being open with you.
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On the flip side, it was nice hearing about where you are in life and your internal journeys. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with these things. We are all in the process of becoming and growing. But hearing about your relationship with God encouraged me to focus on my spirituality and I’d love to visit your church with you. The invitation was thoughtful. But one thing you said in our conversation last week that really intrigued me was your explanation of a magazine article that inspired you to be purposefully single for this season. I might even try it, myself.
But throughout this process, I’ve learned that life contains multiple thin lines. There’s a line between love and hate. There’s a thin line between confidence and arrogance. There’s a thin line between humility and insecurity. And there’s a tricky thin line between desire and entitlement. It’s never easy to maintain the proper balance between those lines and I’m prone to oscillating between them in different situations. This process has taught me just how squiggly those lines are. And because of that, I’ve learned some invaluable life lessons that I wanted to share with you:
Always Be Honest with Myself
It was necessary for me to pause, take time, and discover why I was feeling the way I was. Sometimes, as a guy, I ignore my subconscious and act without thinking. Then, I turn around and portray women as emotional and irrational to my boys; when in reality, I’m the one who needs to check the internal reasons for my own irresponsible behavior.
Before this, I had been going along recklessly jumping in different romantic situations, leaving trails of broken-hearts because I was unaware of my own issues. This honesty has afforded me the opportunity to confront my behavior, change my ways, shift my thinking and even let go of lingering situations that were only serving my capricious needs.
This honesty allowed me to see that, on one hand, I was experiencing intimidation because a part of me didn’t feel good enough. While on the other hand, it was entitlement because I felt like you should have fallen right into my arms. But honesty forced me to find and name the reasons for my actions and feelings. Now I can focus on what I actually want and don’t want. Being honest with myself will prevent me from being emotionally irresponsible in the future and force me to be faithful to the type of man I am becoming.
Always Validate Myself
As great as you are and as fantastic as you come across, I shouldn’t need validation from you or anyone else. I’ve learned to affirm and validate myself. Not that validation and affirmation are wrong; it’s more of the irrational desire for it from another person, especially a (potential) lover or admirer. An awareness of my need for validation has encouraged me to engage in practices that boost my self-esteem. Things like making eye contact with myself in the mirror and saying “I love you,” changing my diet and hitting the gym more, praying/meditating more, and doing the things that make me feel good about myself instead of aimlessly searching for a pretty face to do it for me.
Sadly, while in college, I used to only court ladies who thought highly of me because of my campus success. Their validation and attention fed my ego to the point that my self-confidence and image were contingent upon their admiration. When they stopped admiring me or when I no longer desired attention from them, I would find the next lady willing to do it. No more. In the end - it only made my self-esteem worse and I eventually became intimidated when I came across a woman who wouldn’t do that. Frankly, it made me slightly intimidated of you.
Always Be Confident in Myself
We are usually our own worst critics, but we should juxtapose that tendency with being our own biggest fans. I’ve learned to nurture my own confidence. Not the confidence in my degrees or clothes, but in me and in who I am as a unique person. Not the confidence in the numbers I could collect or intimate partners I could accumulate, but in me and who I was becoming as a black man with character in this society. This process has taught me that confidence is key in every aspect of our lives. Confidence is key on the job, in the classroom, in our friendships and most importantly, in our own psyches.
I had confidence before I approached you, but it was confidence in all the wrong things. But not anymore because I’ve learned to truly love myself. I think all persons should love themselves regardless of size, weight, skin complexion, hair length, education, career, or social status. Society unfortunately ingrains normative standards of beauty that can only be created by a Photoshop app or program. Commercialism unfortunately ingrains materialistic portrayals of success that include multiple vehicles, jewelry and lovers. I’ve learned to actively disregard those things and just be who I am without comparison, without regret, without arrogance and of course, and most importantly - without intimidation.
Thanks for listening. See you Sunday in church.